CONFRONTING WITH LOVE

The following points, taken from the internet, relate to the issues raised in the talk by Kris Martin-McDonald on 22/3/00.

Does the word confrontation make you feel uneasy? If so, you aren't alone. Although there are people who enjoy taking the bull by the horns, most of us would rather experience flight than fight, therefore make it our habit to avoid confrontation at all costs.

How to confront with success:

• You take the first step.
  Your goal is reconciliation rather than revenge.
• Pray that God will grant you the love you need to speak the truth.
  
  • Reconciliation is a two-way street, and unless both parties want to rebuild, reconciliation is impossible.
  • Confrontation simply means coming together, articulating the problem, and allowing the other person to choose whether to be part of the solution.
  • If so, you both move toward a fresh start. If not, you move toward a fresh start alone.
• Choose the right time.
  
  • Timing is everything.
  • Choose a time when you both won't be hurried and can really communicate.
    
  (Dr. Gary Roseberg, Dr. Roseberg's Do-It-Yourself Relationship Mender, Colorado Springs, Colo.: Focus on the Family, 1992)
• Choose the right place.
  Choose a location that is pleasant, private, and, if possible, neutral territory.
• Choose the right attitude.
  
  • Confront caringly with real concern for the other person.
  • Your main objective is to rebuild the love you once had for him or her.
  • Do it gently, not offering more than the relationship can bear.
  • Be constructive, taking into consideration any possible interpretations of blaming, shaming, or punishing.
  • Be accepting of the other person's response and intentions.
• Some Don'ts
  
  • Don't confront when you are still too angry to control yourself.
  • Don't confront when it's none of your business.
  • Don't confront if you aren't sure about what really happened. Hearsay evidence doesn't count.
  • Don't confront when it's wise to overlook the offence.
  • Don't confront when it's dangerous - physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
    
  (David Augsburger, Caring Enough to Confront, Ventura, Calif.: Regal, 1981)
• Focus on the issue.
  Don't wander off the subject or get diverted to another subject. Say, The situation I want to discuss with you is _______. If I get off the subject, please get me back on track, and I'll try to do the same for you, so we can resolve this problem.
• Focus on 'I', not 'you'.
  Don't be accusative: You really made me mad, or you have this lousy habit of... Instead start with the word 'I'. E.g. 'I felt angry when you said...' or 'I feel frustrated by your habit of...'
• Focus on growth.
  
  • Accept the fact that you, too, have contributed to the problem you're having.
  • Enter into your confrontation with a willingness to hear the other person out.
  • Admit your faults, learn from your mistakes, and make amends.
• Focus on gentleness and mutual understanding.
  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.(Phil 4:5)
  Remember, the person you are talking to is more important than any issue.